Sunshine of the Spotless

"This is it Joel...it's gonna be gone soon."

"I know..." The words spill out of my mouth, I want to say I don't know what I'm saying. All my life, I've been the fumbling kid who daydreams in the books and talks only when necessary, a titch too loud, and with just enough silence to cover that he doesn't know what he's doing. Holding on to moments, that may or may not have been. As though what could've been and my memory have mixed themselves up.

"What are we gonna do?" She looks at me, she watches me. There's something different in the way she see's me, something idealized, and I know distinctly that this isn't really her, it's what I want her to be. But that's not really true. She's everything.

"Enjoy it, and say goodbye." We run...along the side of the beach. Moments I remember, fading slowly, drifting away like ashes on the wind. We relive these memories, until...

"What if you stayed?" Her voice drifts out through the house. It calls me back, and I don't remember it.

"How? I'm already out the door?" I want her to be rational, in the midst of nothing making sense, and I realize how foolish I have to sound at this moment.

"Can you come back? Can we have a good-bye at least? Let's pretend we had one." She appears at the top of the stairs, warm eyes behind a sheen of tears. I want to hold on...I want to clutch the moments tight in my fingers, and never let them go. I want a lot of things, a lot more things than I or anyone should deserve. She walks down the stairs. Across the memories falling like broken glass and takes my fingers in her warm touch. "Bye Joel."

"I...love you." And it's gone, all I see are flickering lights, tearing past a glittering night car-ride. I want to hold on to the memory, I want it to stay in my head, burn it forever into my brain, a moment, a second, even a hesitation and it's gone. And it disappears, and I can't even pull her name up. Can't even remember if I loved her or not, or who she is. Moments lost.

The blur becomes a pain in my heart, a wrenching without knowing why.

"I saw you talking to someone pretty!"

Was I?

"Yeah man, who was that?"

She was. "She was..." She was. I don't. Know. "...just a girl."

And it's gone.

Motion Above

I'm restless. Knew that all day. Packing life into boxes, trinkets here, trinkets there. Pages of text, carefully sorted away, tucked away and archived. Things I'll never look at again until the next time I move. It's an existence where I can get through an entire day without speaking a word sometimes, left to my own devices, in the solitude of my own mind.

My feet carry me before I know where I am, and I'm surrounded by trees, music between my ears, a pen and paper. I'm walking, without knowing why. My feet carry me onto the bridge, and the roar of cars does nothing to dampen the noise of murmurs in my mind. Up and down, once more, across the bridge, restless, pacing over a kilometre. An old man jogging laps back and forth, a girl with red top who is rollerblading, and a boy on a bicycle that looks at me strangely. I imagine that lost in my own thoughts, I must make for a strange sight. I stop halfway down the bridge, and on an impulse lean on the fence. Their existence falls away.

The sun is already dropped below the horizon, and splashes of red are disappearing into the dark. On an impulse, I've already pulled myself up the guard-rail and am sitting above a sheer drop of a 100 feet above the river. Why? Why not. I think for a moment that I might even stand, staring out over the water and the green and the blue.

I'm not suicidal, I'm just looking to fly.

Hello up there.

The girl in the red top with rollerblades. She pulls up alongside me.

Hello down there.

You're not...thinking of jumping are you?

Am I? No I don't think so.

No.

Then what are you doing?

What am I doing?

I just came to get a little...a little perspective.

Ah. Aren't you, you know, afraid you might get knocked? Or lose your balance?

I'm alright with that.

Oh. I'm Rachel.

I'm Lester. How do you do?

I guess I'm good, I was just curious about you.

I would be curious about me too.

What do you mean?

I have no idea how I got here.

Oh. Are you drunk? Or high?

No. I'm just...thinking.

Oh. What are you listening to?

This? Just sort of a post-rock band. You?

I'm listening to Matthew good. What's post-rock?

Sort of futuristic rock music, usually without lyrics. It's like having a movie score in the background.

I see. Hold on a second.

And just like that, she pulls her self up to straddle the fence next to me.

I'd ask if you feel safe doing that in rollerblades, but it's something of a moot point isn't it?

Hah, too late I guess hey?

Yup.

And we sit like that for a long time, and I listen to my post-rock music, while we watch the color bleed from the open sky.